I’m reminded oddly of the time I had a wart on my thumb. I picked at it, but it always grew back. Then one day I got really annoyed at it and straight up ripped it out. The whole thing. It stung and bled and throbbed like nobody’s business. Ya know what though? It has yet to come back.
You are a wart. I should have known better than to pick.
Just be glad I’m not inclined to cause you the same kind of pain you caused me. Because I am hell on wheels when I’m pissed, and I stay pissed for a long time.
Enjoy your life. Enjoy your lies. I hope one day they bite your ass 10x harder than they bit mine, cause I’m tired of picking.
I’m pulling you out by the roots.

I’m tired.

I don’t mean I’m sleepy.

I. Am. Fucking. Tired.

I’m tired of being stepped on, I’m tired of being abused. I am sick fuck irritated by how all I ever try to be is nice to people, and what they do is blow past me.

Yeah, I get that I’m only 18 and have my entire life to figure shit out, but I see dozens of other people around me who can at least find brief happiness that lasts a couple months in the life of someone else. All I seem to manage is nothing. Fuck, I even put effort into it, and all I get is turned away from like I’m fucking diseased.

The people I have the most interactions with are the people I lifeguard, the people who lifeguard with me, and the people I play D&D with. I would lay money on the fact that the first two of those groups would barely take it as a speed bump if I just disappeared. Which would disturb me much more if I didn’t know that I am incapable of committing suicide.
Been there.

And all that ever seems to happen is that I hit a dark bit in life, muscle through it, pick myself up, coast on content for awhile, and then get thrown back into that black as fuck pit by someone who obviously never gave even a fraction of a damn about me, much less my interests, feelings, or desires out of life.
I’d be done with humanity, but I can’t be, and it doesn’t seem that humanity is any less done with me.

I fucking hate it. I hate looking at someone, trying to see the good in them, trying to share the good in me, only to get stomped out by someone who really just needed a fresh paint job on their tires.

I hate convincing myself time and time again that It will be different this time, only to be horribly wrong. Because now it’s not just everybody else whose lying to my face, it’s me too.
Fuck.

I can’t stand looking in the mirror and knowing what lies under my skin.

I can’t stand looking at every single other person, and having to contemplate just how badly they might be planning to fuck me over.

I can’t stand life.

I can’t force death.

I guess I’m also tired of only ever writing this shit down and feeding it to my room, because despite the fact I know no one here can have any sway over any of this, I feel like someone needs to see it who is neither myself, nor someone who is obligated to care, like my family.

And while I’m rattling off useless bits of information, I’m in love with a girl from Massachusetts named Emma Rose, who could at this point in time quite possibly give less of a care than all the fucks a termite gives about me. We dont talk. I asked her out and she backed off. Said she needed space. We talk to each other as much as we did when her last asshole of a boyfriend kicked me out of her life, for threats of suicide. WHILE I might add, he was abusing her. Nathaniel. If I’m ever featured on body bags at 11, so will he.

So, now that I’ve managed to get most of this off my chest, I’ll leave it to you handfull of people to read. You probably won’t care. Nothing new. I just need to change how I vent the annoying shit that builds up in my life.
That is all.

I really should know better than to trust people.

Everyone deserves the chance to live. few people take it. fewer know they even have the chance.

im-a-cat-tho:

rawr

XP

They were the best days of my life,
Held up close, and on to tight.
I lov’d you then, but did not know it,
Life was simple, good, and worth living.

So I lived. I left my heart with you,
where I thought it safe.
were it my choice, I’d have stayed with you.
I’d have never left your side.

Oh, but for a petty metaphor!
I watched the sun
sink low upon the horizon.
I sailed on the winds of future woe.

I loved those moments, wild and free,
Every waking second my thoughts on you.
Whose eyes shone brighter than the mid-day sea,
Whose affection I sailed upon for days.

it was more than simple beauty,
it was personified by you, and you alone.
you were the bright sun that lit my world,
and the love that filled my sails.

befitting as it was, it was you
who looked back at me in the reflection
of the necklace I saw fit to buy you.
You never gave me the chance to show you.

the time came for me to return.
and I swelled with the prospects of returning.
eager to share my experiences,
and get back lost time.

I flew back as fast as I could.
Scanning the countless faces ‘till I found yours.
Having missed you the entire week,
My heart was filled with missed passion.

Why?
Why then?
At the moment my spirit soared highest,
You plucked my wings, and I fell.
Not as before, in love, but in fear.
I couldn’t lose you.
I never wanted that.
My heart couldn’t bear the thought, and stopped.
Without my heart to beat, my brain shut down.
They both left me floundering,
Gone without so much as a backwards glance.
Just like you.

I stood there.
My heart on the floor.
The same place you stepped on it.
The Impression of your Converse still pressed upon it.

My soul withered.
Retreated into the husk
That I am most
Associated as.

I sat down.
Not bothering to peel
my heart from the floor,
and return it to health.

After a few minutes,
Reality struck me.
Like a polished silver
Knife in my back.

You left.
I was alone.

I Am Alone.

fuckyeahragetoons:

zombie apocalypse 

Where’s this person with whom life is made worth while?